I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. As a child, I grew up very close with an outside family. The mom had been very good friends with my mother and all of the children grew up together; so close that to this day we all still call one another brother/sister. In their mother’s second marriage she and her husband at the time became my “godparents”. During the summer, I practically lived with them. The kids would go to swim team practice together, I had chores, I ate dinner there, and sometimes spent the night all to repeat again the next day. In a way, this man became a father figure in some capacities. However, there is another side to this story…
It was…
My godfather, family friend, summer caregiver, etc.; he was all those things…and my abuser. It started at a young age, I would have been maybe 7 or 8. I carried this secret for many years out of fear and when I finally had the courage to disclose the abuse to my mom and godmother (second mom) it was because I overheard a conversation that she was thinking about getting a divorce.
I told…
When I heard that she was thinking of divorce. I went into my “sisters” room and asked her if she wanted to go on a walk. On this walk I disclosed what had been happening to me, not all of the details but enough. In this conversation with her, I learned that some of things had been happening to her as well. She and I ended up writing a note that night explaining some of the things and we gave it to our moms. From there, things are a little fuzzy, I still can’t remember how fast or slow things happened but I know that two law enforcement officers came to my apartment and spoke with me.
It happened…
My godfather, was physically abusive to my “brother” emotionally and verbally abusive to all of the children, and sexually abused my “sister” and I. We later found out that he had been charged in the past for sexually abusing another girl. It started off with hugs where his hands reached around too far, then it escalated to things happening at night. I would wake up… but would lay there as if I were still sleeping and move as if I were sleep stirring. After a while things began happening when I was awake. He never hesitated if there was a moment for a few seconds, or minutes, especially if there were long periods of time.
It made me feel…
Dirty, used, shameful, and pathetic. I didn’t seek therapy until I was in college. Long over do but I am thankful I had that opportunity. I was really good as a child to compartmentalize things. For example, if someone asked me how my day was after something had just happened, I would say it was fine… that sort of “lying” I got really good at. I feel that I changed internally more than I did outwardly, at least, that how I displayed it… I didn’t think this was something I could share, it was something that made me feel dirty, and pathetic so I didn’t want others to know.
I survived…
I have never “moved on” from this past, rather I have moved forward. In the beginning I said I was a survivor but, I have been fighting this since I was a child… I am not a survivor, I am a warrior.
I dream…
Of a world where child abuse no longer exists. That is a big dream but, I believe through education and empowerment it is possible. I would like to see parents teaching children correct terminology, minimizing risks, and to stop feeding the stereotypes/myths. Most importantly, if a child discloses abuse, I want the person they tell to believe them without doubting for a second their intentions or wills. Less than 2% of children lie about stuff like this, what do children have to benefit. My disclosure, did not benefit me in any way other than the abuse stopping. He did not go to jail, I did not get a prize, in fact; things got better before they got worse.
I want…
Other survivors to know that you too are warriors, that it wasn’t your fault, that you are strong, beautiful, wanted, and loved.
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