I traveled to other places in my mind

It Happened…

when I was 6 years old.  My Mom had left us when I was 5 and my Dad was an alcoholic so we were passed around to any family members who would have us.  Some family members weren’t so nice, even abusive.    I thank myself every day for saving me.  When I was little I wanted to be a astronaut and would lay on our front lawn and stare at the stars for hours.

It Was…

my Great Aunt’s boyfriend.  He would come in during the middle of the night and pick me up and take me out to his silver stream RV it was then I would travel somewhere else in my mind.  What I can remember what a lot of touching.  He would rub his penis on me and put things inside me.  But for much of the abuse I wasn’t there because I traveled to other places in my mind.  To this day I don’t care to remember because honestly I have moved on from it.

It Made Me Feel…

 like no one cared.  After all they could see how he was around me and still they did nothing.  As I grew older I was so messed up I thought if men wanted to have sex with me they surely must love me so I was reckless with my sexual behavior.  I am 53 years old and single and I still can’t have a man touch me in the middle of the night sexually and not come up swinging.  I try to tell them “Make sure I am awake”.

I Told…

my Grandma when I was 17.  And she said “Maybe you deserved it”.  “We all saw the way he was with you and it would seem you were asking for it always hanging on him”.  I was so hurt by what she said.  It was a very hurtful defining moment in our relationship.

I Survived…

because I was and always have been a resilient kid/person.  I finally woke up thanks to a class I took through a church called “The Father Factor” kind of like Fear Factor and they talked about all kinds of addictions and how to heal.  Bam – there was the sexual addiction and they explained how it might happen and I was text book.  My behavior changed overnight and I started working on me from that day forward.  That was over 18 years ago and I am so glad I found that class.

I Dream…

 that one day adults will pay attention to kids when they send out signals because kids who are abused often send out signals.  I dream that ALL kids have access to better mental health and that includes in the schools.  I dream of a day when even offenders who have offended years prior get punished in some fashion because no one should get away with it. But mostly I dream of a day when society doesn’t think of anyone as “icky” who has had this in their lives.  Sometimes the victims and families are left to feel just as icky and it just isn’t right.

I Want…

 others to know it will get better.  That no one gets to tell you how to feel, how to think and who to love.  That its okay to forgive your molester and move on and have a good life.  You don’t have to keep reliving it over and over to move on.  It’s perfectly okay to live and love happily and move on.  That you aren’t just the abuse you suffered.  If I could say anything to anyone who has never suffered abuse like this it would be “count yourself lucky” now go live your life as best you can.