He always told me I would get in trouble

my stepbrother. When we had moved in with my dad I was 10. I thought my step brother was cute. Then when I was 12 he started sneaking into my room. It started with him telling me he loved me and then him touching me and wanting me to do things to him, eventually he ended up having sex with me. At night I would try and pretend like him trying to wake me wasn’t bothering me he would just touch me till I did. When I would say no he would tell me it was ok he loved me and continue, when I would fight him to leave me alone he threatened to kill me – telling he could snap my neck and no one would know. He always told me that if anyone knew what we were doing then I would get in trouble.

I left my dad’s when I was 17 due to me asking to be placed in foster care. I told him I was going to kill myself.  He asked why I would punish him for what others had done to me (before he knew of my abuse) – I had just lost my grandma. I tried to get out of his house before but I had brothers who I always thought needed me, and I was told bad things about being in foster care. I wouldn’t get to see my grandparents like I wanted. My brothers might not be able to go with me.

Not long after the abuse started he held me down to my bed and threatened to kill me –  nothing that hadn’t happened before when I refused to perform acts he wanted or fought him from touching me. But this night he threatened my brothers. I went to the police the next day to report his threat, leaving out the abuse. When he would do this he never made it about me saying no to his sexual advances, he always made it about other things – like this night it was about his mother yelling at us ( my brothers and I) for not doing our chores or whatever.  She was always yelling at us. They took me and placed my brothers back with my dad. We went to court over him threatening to kill me. My dad lied saying he was awake around time I said it happened and that he didn’t hear anything. They let him go saying I had a crush on him and it was all made up because I liked him. When  I went into foster care I had to go to a doctor for my first pap smear. She asked me if I was ever abused I said it was none of her business. She asked how old I was – I still denied it and told her I never said it happened and it was none of her business.

Scared. I was scared he would kill me. Honestly, I prayed for him to just do it and get it over with, but my brothers didn’t deserve to get hurt because of me. I was scared of him hurting them because of me – of what would happen if anyone found out, and that I would get in trouble.  I was scared that I would get pregnant. My grandma told me if I ever got pregnant before 18 she would never speak to me again. I was ashamed. I lived in small town, everyone talked  – I didn’t want them to talk about me. I didn’t want to be the girl who was abused. I felt like it was my fault. Like no one would listen if I told. I was confused. I was taught (in church) to keep my body covered. Stay modest – no skirts above the knee. I was taught that things like this happened to people who weren’t modest. I often wondered why God would let this happen. Crazy – I really thought my step brother loved me. I didn’t want to admit it happened. I was ashamed I let it happened, I felt stupid for not saying anything.

My husband when we got together. I told him I had been abused, never how long it happened until about two years later.  After that I went back to trying to act as if it didn’t happen. Five years went by and my stepmom passed away. I finally broke down after 5 years of being married,  2 children later. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My family always reminded me of how I left my dad and mom. I never let any one keep my children. I went to therapy and asked my therapist for help to tell my dad. I then went to my foster mom and broke down. I told her everything and asked her for help. I then started telling my other family members –  my sister, who supported and told me she would help me sit my mom down and tell her. Not long after that I got drunk with my other step brother and his girlfriend and told them. They had my dad come over. I then told him and my husband everything, then my other non-offending stepbrother and his girlfriend.

I did it. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to but I had an awesome grandma and foster mom who loved me when I didn’t love myself – they had no idea what I had gone through. I have a wonderful husband who even though he didn’t know all of it he stood by me and supported me. I also have a sister who has always been a rock when I needed her the most no matter what she had going on. I have a wonderful support system. Most of all I have two amazing children.

Is to help others. I want to help inspire others to come out to share their stories. I want them know they are not alone. I want to bring awareness to parents to teach their children that it is NEVER ok for any one to touch them in anyway that makes them uncomfortable and it’s never their fault and if they ever need to talk you will listen! No secrets! Teach kids safe and unsafe touches.

To let other survivors know you are not alone and its not your fault! Others may judge but until they have been through what you have they have no room to talk. Stay strong. Keep pushing through even when you feel you can no longer keep going. Therapy works wonders. It may take time to find the right person to open up to. Don’t give up even when it feels like the only option. You are beautiful!

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