It Happened…
around Thanksgiving of 2015. My daughter was a 5 year old girl in Kindergarten. She loved gymnastics, dance, and swimming with her family. She had and still has a big family with lots of people who care about her. She lived with me (her mother), step dad, three step sisters, and one half brother. She visited her dad every other weekend. At her dad’s house there was her step mom, one step brother, one step sister, and one half sister.
It was…
her 12 year old step brother at her dad’s house. She has known him for about 4 years and really enjoyed playing with him and her step sister. She and her step brother were alone in her dad’s basement when it happened. Her stepbrother never told her not to tell anyone and she didn’t think it was wrong.
It Made Her Feel….
nervous and confused. She got upset easier and cried more about little things. It took her a long time to understand that it was not supposed to happen and inappropriate. She told me “I just don’t want to do it anymore Mommy.” She felt bad for getting him in trouble and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t allowed to see him. I felt like I had failed at protecting her and keeping her safe. I couldn’t understand why something like this would happen to my daughter at such a young age, especially from a stepbrother.
She told….
her 9 year old step sister at my house. Her stepsister told my husband and my husband told me. I had a long talk, with her dad on the phone, while she explained what happened. She was too young to explain where, when, and how many times it happened. A few days later, I reported it to the Police Department because her dad didn’t believe her and his visitation time was coming up. The police interviewed both her dad and I, and then she had a Forensic Interview with a Detective. She used dolls to explain what happened to the Detective. After the interview, the Detective had a meeting with just her dad and me. He told us that he is positive it happened. The County Attorney’s office and DCF caseworker interviewed her step brother (the alleged perpetrator) where he denied everything. Due to his denial, the case was declared Unsubstantiated because there was no proof, such as a video or pictures. I still believed my daughter and filled a Protection from Abuse (PFA) order to keep her safe. The PFA was dropped after 7 months since both her step brother and she completed therapy. Her dad and stepmom still don’t believe the incident occurred and say “There is no way he would do anything like this to anyone. You are just trying to keep my family apart.” She is now back to spending every other weekend at her dad’s house. As uncomfortable as I feel about them being back together, I am confident she knows what to do if it happens again.
She Survived…
because she has a lot of family that supports her. She knows she can tell her family and her therapist anything. I am blessed that it happened while she was very young and lucky she was not affected dramatically by this incident. I am still surviving because of my family support system. It still hurts thinking about it and difficult to overcome the blame I put on myself for not preparing her before it happened.
I Dream….
that the Court System and DCF caseworkers could do more to protect her. I knew he would deny the incident, but she is also too young to lie about things she shouldn’t even know about. I also dream that he (or anyone) doesn’t do this to her again since she lives in the same house as him every other weekend.
I Want….
other survivors to know that there is help and support, all you have to do is tell your story. I want other parents to be sure and explain body safety to their children as often as they can. My daughter didn’t know it was wrong or how to handle the situation because I thought it would never happen my little 5 year old baby girl. Even though it is hard for me to know her dad believed his stepson instead of his own daughter, I know I can be her voice for her.
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Adults who haven’t been abused usually don’t suspect and mistrust the way survivors do. Although I understand the guilt you feel, it is absolutely not your fault. You did everything right, beginning with believing her, and fighting for her during the process.
It is often difficult to really know how a child is and may be affected by abuse. While I agree that it was fortunate that your daughter was young and received therapy, I would hesitate to think “she was not affected dramatically by this incident”. She may be carrying the guilt that belongs to her abuser, which is often the case. Such betrayal, a father who refused to believe her, and a system that’s forcing her to resume her visits will have a lifelong affect on your daughter. I would continue to talk about it openly and honestly, so it doesn’t become a dirty little secret. Thank God for mothers like you. I am certain she will have the best chance of recovery with you by her side!
Believe she is affected. The betrayal of her father can lead to all kinds of issues. Being forced to return to the home of abuse more issues…they may not hit till later, but be hyper-alert. She’ll be ok as long as you’re aware and present.
The difficult part happens, when she starts acting out from those feelings of guilt,shame, inadequacy(not worth protecting by her dad), and she doesn’t remember where those feelings come from, may not even be able to identify them.
But believe she’s affected.
I agree. Trauma hits us all differently, and at different times. For as long as I can remember, I have possessed an unrealistic fear of lakes and oceans. Large bodies of water that I cannot see the bottom, things without concrete solid bottoms. I go white knuckled driving over a bridge of any kind, I will not swim in the ocean, etc. Turns out, around the age of 2, my parents were swimming in the gulf of Mexico with me. It was after a storm, though they didn’t realize a storm had come through days earlier (we were visiting). An undertow took my mom out who was holding me and we went. My dad, by some miracle, was able to grab me. But, I went under. I have zero memory of this, but it doesn’t change the insane panic I feel whenever around bodies of water like that. She may not remember what happened, but that doesn’t mean feelings and issues may not arise years down the road.
My daughter is a beautiful, intelligent and outgoing young lady! She came out and told me last summer that her grandpa on her dads side was doing things she didn’t like and she wanted it to stop but he couldn’t help what he was doing and because he was family she couldn’t get him in trouble. Needless to say the court system in Adrian Michigan dropped the case after she told the police my family and a forensics interviewer because her grandpa refused to take a polygraph. Dhs dropped the case and she is around him all the time there is nothing we can do I feel powerless and heartbroken but my feelings and emotional hurt is nothing compared to what my princess is and has been through…. Her dad and step mom don’t believe her and neither does her grandma who she loves and wants to be around. Her grandpa forces her to hug and kiss him still even in front of me! How do you deal with something like this? I put her in therapy against the wishes of everyone involved accept my husband her step dad who has been her rock and an absolute savoir. The workers involved tried to explain to her dad that she was definitely hurt and violated by his dad and still he denied her truth. The only reason he got away with it is because we couldn’t afford a lawyer and nobody else would help not legal aide not the police the prosecutor or anyone at the advocacy group in Washtenaw county… That being said, who will help? This man lives in a trailor park right next to a play ground? How can people stand for such things? No emotions so numb to the reality of the world and her world was grandma and grandpa! My heart aches for her and all I can do is pray that God deal with this sick mans heart and help me to remain humble and compassionate…
You know, there is strength in numbers. There has to be a way to right this wrong, if not on our own, then maybe together. Our system is broken but it can be fixed. We have to protect children and ensure the perpetrators face their actions and are accountable; not just for punishment, but also for correction. We have at least two innocents victimized by the same person, a family member. Our perp still denies despite the evidence. Both cases substantiated, but no charges because of lack of evidence. And with narcissistic behaviors, makes himself look like the victim in it all.