It Happened…
Starting at the age of 5, at least that’s the first time I remember, and the last time I remember was when I was 15. My mom was a teen mom so my grandparents raised me for the first few years mostly. We moved out of state with my other set of grandparents. My mom started dating and a year later we moved in with her boyfriend. They got married when I was 7. We were the perfect family from the outside. I am an only child and I had everything I wanted. I was a super shy child but was very well behaved. I never got in trouble and never caused any problems.
It Was…
My step dad. I loved him from the very beginning. He was always interested in me and played with me so we hit it off fast. He would only abuse me at night when he thought I was sleeping. Usually if we started overnight somewhere when we shared a bed or slept close. I was always scared of storms so I would sleep in their room those nights on his side of the bed and it would happen then also. The very first time I can recall I was 5. He was sitting on the couch and I was sleep with my head in his lap. My mom was watching tv sitting in the floor less than a foot in front of me. I woke up with his hands down my panties. All while my mom was right there and had no idea. I was so scared I just pretended to be asleep until it was over. The more it happened the more I thought about what to do and came to the conclusion at 5 years old that how could I possibly ruin my mom’s happiness when she had found a guy she loved. I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that to her after her being a teen mom. So I just took it and never told. I realize now he would take me to get candy and do things my mom wouldn’t allow and say it was our secret to groom me.
It Made Me Feel…
At first I had no clue just that it didn’t feel right. I would just go to another place and almost zone out when it was happening. I started wetting the bed again that lasted until I was 12. As I got older and more developed it started to feel “good” and that made me feel like a horrible person. I had a hard time with sex for a while because it would always bring me back to those times. I know none of it was my fault but that didn’t stop me from feeling like I should endure it to keep the peace and make sure my mom was happy. I didn’t care about how it made me feel.
I Told…
I never told anyone until I was 13. I told my best friend. She seemed shocked but not overly concerned. Just tried to be there for me. I told my boyfriend when I was 15. He was upset and wanted me out of the house. Of course as much as I wanted to go I didn’t want to rock the boat so I never left. I told my husband when we started dating because it did cause some issues in our sex life but he understood, for the most part. When I was 27, my best friend for whatever reason decided I had been leaving my kids in my step dad’s care so she called CPS on me. As soon as I found out that it was about to come out about the abuse my husband called and told him he had to tell my mom. He fessed up but only to it happening one time when I was a teenager. Once again I was a chicken and didn’t speak up so to this day my mom is to married to him and doesn’t know the truth.
I Survived…
I’m nowhere near healed but I’m working on it. It took me a really long time to realize just how much therapy was a good thing for me.
I Dream…
of a time when the number of abused children goes down drastically. A time when children feel safe enough to tell and not keep it to themselves. When offenders get what they deserve no matter how long it has been. A day when everyone is educated on the signs so maybe those kids that don’t feel like they can say anything will be saved anyway.
I Want…
People to just understand this is a real thing for us. It happened to us. We didn’t choose this. It’s changed us at a human. The way we react to things and the way we view the world. We aren’t damaged people were just a little broken for a little while.
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