It Happened…
He spoiled me, then slowly introduced me to his naked body. It was like we were playing house–I was 5 and he was 38. I was sexually abuse from the ages of 5 to 17. I had no clue it wasn’t normal. It felt good until I got older and realized I was trapped. That I may never be able to be free. Eventually writing poems helped, cutting and starving myself at 13, weed and alcohol at 14 & 15 – which he provided, and journaling helped. Learning about psychology also gave me some hope.
It Was…
When I was five: “All daddies and daughters do it, they just don’t talk about it.” He seemed like the best husband for my mom and father figure for me. She had just left an abusive marriage with my dad. Then he secretly abused me and talked down to my mom. He even told me I was better than her.
When I was 12, just before he took my virginity at 13: “Your mom can’t take of you without me, no would believe you if you told, and you don’t want me to go to jail, do you?”
It Made me Feel…
Ashamed, like I betrayed my mom every time I told her I loved her, I felt like that’s all I had to offer anyone–my body. I felt weak and controlled.
I Told…
I finally stood up to him right after I turned 18 and told him I was moving in with my mom. Then at 19, I told my mom. I wrote it all down and read it to her. It was hard but she believed me. I didn’t want to press charges and I didn’t think I had the proof to win against him.
I Survived…
Almost 3 years ago I decided I would start healing. Truly heal. Since I spent most of my life researching self-help ways to overcome almost anything. I recovered from anorexia, cutting, and managed depression symptoms before I even got out of the abuse. In 2014 I finally sought therapy for sexual abuse. I began to apply what I learned, then I knew I had to follow the dream I had when I was 16–to help others.
I started a group, Broken Childhood for survivors to talk and for me to share with them how I healed. I also created a support page, Broken Childhood Support, to introduce the group since it had to be a closed group for privacy of me as well as the other survivors.
I Dream…
I fully support Erin’s Law, I know that would’ve saved me. If I had felt safer at school and felt like I could tell, knew that I needed to tell. It wasn’t until the damage was done and my virginity was gone, that I learned what it even was–incest. Although when I confronted him he told me it wasn’t because we weren’t blood related.
I Want…
A world with no victim blaming. Where everyone advocates for their fellow “man”. A world of understanding instead of judgment. I want other survivors to know they are not alone, anything they are ashamed or feeling guilty for, someone else feels the same way.
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